Why, good morning, Imaginary Awedience! Santa here! Came early this year.

Yes, I do realise it might not be what we usually call “morning”, but, for me, morning is the time of day -or night- when you wake up. So, here! Good morning to you all!

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That is my breakfast. Caffeine, Nicotine, and Love. “Why Love?” you ask? “Why not?” I respond.

I woke up with the thought in my head that I had to do something today. Something big. And when I say big, I mean BIG. But what? So I took my notebook and to write down a to-do list. But, in order to make a to-do list, you should know what to do beforehand. So I thought on and on and on and on. And then I knew what to do. You see, Awedience, when you think of something really hard, the whole universe conspires for that to happen. I really wished to think of something to write on my to-do list, and the universe gave that to me, at last…

 

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I automatically had done the first five. I shall rest now, drink some coffee, smoke some cigs, log onto Tumblr for some porn unicorn pictures, and then do the other two left.

 

Thanks for your time, Awedience. Santa Out.

#ImNotCrazy

Modern Poetry

I always make fun of people who make poetry, even though I write myself as well. Why I do that? Because whoever thinks they are so cool to do something so hipstery, are usually very bad at it. Here is an example of such a disgusting piece of “poetry”:

I love you and I hate you
Can’t you see I’m bleeding?
I cut myself for you
I hate you but I love you
This is an eternity
For us both
Death

My poor eyes are bleeding too…

Just because you write random words on a paper it doesn’t make it poetry.

Pardon my rant. Santa out.

On death and dying…

Have you ever wondered how people would react if you died this instant? Of course you have! Okay, let’s confess it, it’s a little macabre, but mostly egotistical. We, human beings, are attention whores.

In all seriousness though, I don’t want a grave; I want a mausoleum. A huge angel statue standing on top of it. People can see it from miles away. Aliens can see it from outer space. It will be the First Wonder of the new era, AAB (After Awesome Blogging).

Before I delve into death and dying and all that fun, let’s talk about how much of a narcissist I am. Which is zero. Sure, I count the years BAB and AAB, but is it truly bad? I’ll tell you, no! This blog is awesome, all my imaginary Awedience can tell you that. Even Samuel L. Jackson said so about my blogging skills in an imaginary -yet awesome- film he made. He also tweeted it. Nicholas Cage retweeted it. I rest my case.

So, this is 1 AAB and welcome to the new age. If you want you children born in this year to prosper, you must indeed name them after the new era’s fashion: Killing, Smokes, Awesome, Awerawera, Awerawera, Rawebert, Awendrey, Haweratio. The mascot and saint of this new era is Saint Nichawelas, or else known as Santa Clawes. (You can all call me Santa from now on).

Do you want to baptise you kid with these cool Awesome names? We offer services in several cities around the world, such as

New Yawerk City, New Yawerk

Lawes Angeles, Califawernia

Chicagawe,Illinaweis

Awestin,Texas

Cawelumbus, Awehiawe

Lawendon, United Kindawem

Moscawe,Russia

Raweme,Italy

Barcelawena, Spain

Lyawen, France

Colawegne, Germany

Tawekyawe, Japan

Haweng Kaweng, China

Sawel, South Kaweria

Manadawe, Indawenesia

Gaweld Cawest, Awestralia

Aweckland, New Zealand

 

Back to death and dying and all the fun that idea holds… Imagine you have died and all your loved ones are surrounding your decaying corpse. Well, that must satisfy you. Only if you’re someone from middle class or pretty broke, though. Or if you’re a slave. If you’re some rich newly died shit? Oh, it must hurt to see every other scum of your family that you hadn’t seen in years fighting over the bucks you’re leaving behind. Unless, of course, you’re Patrick Swayze; everyone loves Patrick Swayze.

But what happens when no one’s there? Broke or not, that breaks your little aethereal heart. Or what if they’re all there and having a party? Well, if you were a wild partygoer, then it’s all good, they’re doing it in your dear memory; but what if you were a simple workaholic employee at a bank that never lent anything but fake smiles at work, real frowns at home, and all that with a big fat sleek interest? You’d feel as a wallflower at your own dying party, wouldn’t you?

We all expect great things in our lives and try to put off the idea of dying. But embrace it, because you never know how Dow Jones might go, or when your husband will cheat on you, but you sure know you’ll die some day. So start making friends, making amends… Start loving again, even if your heart breaks. Live, because life could be either long or short. Have a little bit more fun, smile a little more, wear a pink tie at work, dance in the rain. Say “I’m sorry” when you have to, because we all want to see that cold grave surrounded by people for the right reasons. And don’t do stupid stuff because YOLO! Do the right stuff because YOLO (unless you’re Buddhist).

And, above all, don’t forget to change your name to Awesome. I also have a prospectus on changing your religion to Awesomism. It’s Awesome.

Kthnxbai.

The most awesome first blog ever

I will try to play it cool and act as if I didn’t read how-to’s for blogging. Yeah, well, in fact, I did, and what most of them said was “write for yourself at first and maybe the Awedience (yes, I call readers an “Awedience”, I’m crazy like that) will come later”. I wrote and re-wrote this five times up until now (fine, I’m too bored to re-write, just roll with this) and I see that writing just for myself is not only egoistical, but also a little bit sad; I already talk to myself (or to inanimate objects around me), so writing to myself (on the Internet) seems a little bit weird. So, I shall make it more weird and sad and pretend I already have readers an Awedience.

So, for those of you who know me personally, I have many inside jokes coming on. For those of you who don’t, let’s make some new inside jokes! Sure, why not (See? This already feels like talking to myself, the only difference is that I’m also typing it; if you could also cheer and laugh and shed a tear or two, it would be much appreciated)!

Let’s define what this blog is going to be about. It’s all about something I haven’t defined yet. But I will. Because defining definitions definitely define dolphins (Oh, that was bad. And sad. Just cheer and laugh and pretend it was good. I go in a very dark place once I fail to deliver a good joke; but, hey! we have our first in-joke! Defining dolphins… It will sound funnier after a couple of years, I promise).

Many people blog about their interests. While I find that interesting, I don’t really feel I can do just that, since my likes and dislikes are all around the place. So I’ll just rap out my latest feelings on a topic that sparks an interest on me and publish it to the worldwide web. Yes, I’ll be typing about my interests after all.

So, I thank thee sincerely for being here for this historical moment that thou shalt remember for the rest of thy amazing life.

P.S: I didn’t talk about hashtags, so I shall add them in the tag.