Need a friend? HIRE A FRIEND™

I’m unemployed right now, but I’m searching for a job. Hire me:

HIRE A FRIEND™

All that searching has tired you?

Are you feeling lonely?

Did you best friend steal the love of your life?

Do not worry any more; I’m here now.

I can be your very own personal friend, be you a boy or a girl.

I can chat on the phone for hours*

I will always like your Facebook stati.

I will always retweet everything you say.

I can text you any time you want me*

I can call your significant other and cover you when you want to cheat them.

I can come by any time you want me to, always with a cup of coffee**

You don’t have to lie to your parents any more that you have tons of friends: now you have me!

I can go shopping for you and even pretend I’m not bored.

I can be your wingman.

I will always put you before my needs.

I don’t lie.

I can keep a secret.

I will never judge you, but will always judge anyone you hate.

I have information on many subjects, so that our conversations will never go dry (or, if I have no idea what you’re talking about, I will always nod).

Nobody’s friendless any more.

I AM HERE NOW.

 

*calling/texting fees not included

**you will have to pay for that cup of coffee

 

Why, good morning, Imaginary Awedience! Santa here! Came early this year.

Yes, I do realise it might not be what we usually call “morning”, but, for me, morning is the time of day -or night- when you wake up. So, here! Good morning to you all!

Image

 

That is my breakfast. Caffeine, Nicotine, and Love. “Why Love?” you ask? “Why not?” I respond.

I woke up with the thought in my head that I had to do something today. Something big. And when I say big, I mean BIG. But what? So I took my notebook and to write down a to-do list. But, in order to make a to-do list, you should know what to do beforehand. So I thought on and on and on and on. And then I knew what to do. You see, Awedience, when you think of something really hard, the whole universe conspires for that to happen. I really wished to think of something to write on my to-do list, and the universe gave that to me, at last…

 

Image

 

I automatically had done the first five. I shall rest now, drink some coffee, smoke some cigs, log onto Tumblr for some porn unicorn pictures, and then do the other two left.

 

Thanks for your time, Awedience. Santa Out.

#ImNotCrazy