Thanksgiving? More like Shitgiving!

Yello, imaginary Awedience! Santa here.

Thanksgiving is over and you know what I’m thankful of? That it’s over!

Yes, you heard right. I hate Thanksgiving. We’ll, I do like tasty food, but I like tasty food all year long, so it doesn’t count.

Now it is time for a real holiday: CHRISTMAS!!!

Sure, Christmas isn’t yet around the corner, but some start decorating even before Thanksgiving, so don’t judge me. Besides, I’m Santa, which means that I’m allowed to celebrate it whenever I want!

Here at Killing Smokes, we like to celebrate Christmas differently (and by we I mean me, my elves, and other imaginary creatures and friends); what we do is send presents to me instead of the other way around (yes, you guessed right; I mail gifts to myself. It doesn’t get sadder than that, does it? At least I always get what I wished for! That’s something, innit?)

To all you who think that I’m not real, I’d like to tell you that I do, in fact, exist. Sure, I may not live in the North Pole, but my parents’ basement is as cold.

Also, to all little children sending me their wish lists: grow the fuck up! you’ve all been naughty, you get shit this year.

Okay, that was a tad harsh… Let me rephrase:

Instead of being the little egotistical buttholes that you are, think of the little children on Africa that May or may not get a bottle of water this year.

Also, your daddy pretends to be me. He bought you your present last year as well.

Note to self: sober up then blog.

That’s all for today, folks!

Santa out.

Need a friend? HIRE A FRIEND™

I’m unemployed right now, but I’m searching for a job. Hire me:

HIRE A FRIEND™

All that searching has tired you?

Are you feeling lonely?

Did you best friend steal the love of your life?

Do not worry any more; I’m here now.

I can be your very own personal friend, be you a boy or a girl.

I can chat on the phone for hours*

I will always like your Facebook stati.

I will always retweet everything you say.

I can text you any time you want me*

I can call your significant other and cover you when you want to cheat them.

I can come by any time you want me to, always with a cup of coffee**

You don’t have to lie to your parents any more that you have tons of friends: now you have me!

I can go shopping for you and even pretend I’m not bored.

I can be your wingman.

I will always put you before my needs.

I don’t lie.

I can keep a secret.

I will never judge you, but will always judge anyone you hate.

I have information on many subjects, so that our conversations will never go dry (or, if I have no idea what you’re talking about, I will always nod).

Nobody’s friendless any more.

I AM HERE NOW.

 

*calling/texting fees not included

**you will have to pay for that cup of coffee