Need a friend? HIRE A FRIEND™

I’m unemployed right now, but I’m searching for a job. Hire me:

HIRE A FRIEND™

All that searching has tired you?

Are you feeling lonely?

Did you best friend steal the love of your life?

Do not worry any more; I’m here now.

I can be your very own personal friend, be you a boy or a girl.

I can chat on the phone for hours*

I will always like your Facebook stati.

I will always retweet everything you say.

I can text you any time you want me*

I can call your significant other and cover you when you want to cheat them.

I can come by any time you want me to, always with a cup of coffee**

You don’t have to lie to your parents any more that you have tons of friends: now you have me!

I can go shopping for you and even pretend I’m not bored.

I can be your wingman.

I will always put you before my needs.

I don’t lie.

I can keep a secret.

I will never judge you, but will always judge anyone you hate.

I have information on many subjects, so that our conversations will never go dry (or, if I have no idea what you’re talking about, I will always nod).

Nobody’s friendless any more.

I AM HERE NOW.

 

*calling/texting fees not included

**you will have to pay for that cup of coffee